Reassessing Self, Life and Relationships

It has been a little while since I last posted. During that time I have been assessing a lot of things about myself and my path with horses. My journey with Scout has pointed out a number of things so far. The main one being that we have not truly bonded. She has only been here a few weeks so that is to be expected. The main epiphany in all this though is that I am always trying to get things right for the approval of everyone else in my life - horses included. This is off-putting for both people and horses and it sometimes makes me inauthentic.

Scout is always excited when I arrive at the paddock as I bring her food and this is her most favourite thing. When I sit somewhere else in the paddock that is not near the feed area, she will watch me intently for sometime but has chosen not to yet venture down and connect. If I am up by the shelter she will stand with me usually hinting to get her food or asking for a rub.

I have no doubt that I will bond with her and very strongly, however the last week has been such a learning experience for me through the realization that I was misreading the situation and that I was not worthy in Scouts eyes. This bought up a lot of old fears that I have not looked at deep inside myself. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of confrontation.

Yesterday was the turning point for me. I asked my trainer friend to come and do a lesson with her as I was severely blocked in my mind when it came to Scout. Number one: She is a dream come true for me and I am placing immeasurable value on getting everything right with her. Number two: She has cost me a years wages so I have placed a monetary value on her in my mind which also makes me treat her differently. Number three: I am focusing on the differences of the Spanish Mustang and the unfamiliarity on where to start with the relationship forming process that I keep doubting and questioning everything I do. The end result - Scout said you are not a worthy companion and has blocked me.

In my eyes - the horse is ALWAYS right. Scout is showing me all my insecurities smack bang right there in the forefront of my mind and I have to look at them and work through them before our relationship can become honest.

So anyway, my friend came and asked what I wanted to achieve and I was a bit blank as to why I had asked him to come. Eventually I said that I would like him to just work with her and I would stand back and watch but I did not want him to have to be hard on her. What happened throughout the lesson was extremely difficult for me. Gavin had to get extremely hard on Scout in order to get what he was asking for. He said she is a stoic mare and she will take a lot before she will give. Without going into detail, within 15 minutes he was sitting on her back with her not batting an eyelid. I was given a stern talking to for making her dull by allowing her to get away with too much and be pushy. I took this all on board and came home my mind working overtime. I understood all that he was saying however my heart was telling me (as it has for sometime now) that none of that way of training is right for me or my horses. There is a better way to achieve these things and in the end is that submission really what I want to achieve? I like my horses to maintain and grow their self esteem and personality not the other way around.

I then came home and talked to my good friend Carmen about all this and that night we sat down and watched the DVD 'The Path of the Horse' . I had watched it a couple of times previously and am always deeply affected by it as I am when I watch my Klaus Hempfling DVD's and Nevzerov also.

I made a decision to honour myself and my horses and to follow this path only. I have been wavering in and out of this thought process over the past year or more. The main reason for the inconsistency being - what will everyone else think? I have received some strange looks from friends when I discuss the way I want to be with horses - no pressure, no riding if they choose that, just a true mutual love and honouring of what is needed to give them a full and happy life.

I am going to be true to my heart and follow my instincts on this one. It will not be an easy road as it means re-learning everything and starting from scratch however I have had some amazing experiences with my horses, the type that I will remember for a lifetime. Interestingly all of these incredible experiences have not been riding but connecting with my horses from a childlike space.

I fondly remember taking my Arabian mare Jade to the beach for a few days in winter. I spent hours walking, sitting and being with her in the paradise that is the Noosa North Shore beach. It is quiet there in Winter and she was the only guest horse there. I took her down the beach this particular day and it was deserted. I took the lead off her and we walked together freely for 3 hours. She would never stray more than 10 metres from me and when we got to the river mouth where the river meets the ocean we ran together me laughing and then jumping into the water. Jade joined me in the play and splashed me, laid down in the water near me and then we walked back to our accommodation on a deserted beach lit by a full moon.

These are the experiences that make my life whole. Unplanned moments of pure love and joy - uncomplicated by fears and thoughts. This is the path I hope to continue on with my girls.